Help!

So much has happened and changed in the past two and a half years since my husband and I got married.  I really really want to renew our vows next summer.  See, we didn't have a wedding. We knew that if we waited until we had enough money for everything that goes into a wedding that it would be years before we were married. To us, a big wedding was never the point. We simply wanted to commit to each other and celebrate our relationship and our love by making our family official.  We got married at the court house on December 7, 2009.

But, I have always wished that we had spent more time on it, put more effort into it. I love that we had our close family with us and that it did not send us into debt. I wanted to get married in a garden, with a cute tea length dress on, bare foot with hundreds of beautiful flowers around us, the sun shinning and the birds singing.  That's what I wish we had done.  But alas, we didn't.

And so now here I am wanting to plan a vow renewal ceremony similar to the wedding I had envisioned.  The problem is that Tim seems to think we have to wait until at least our five year anniversary and that we have to do it on our actual anniversary.  This is Iowa... there are no gardens in December :(   I'm trying to explain to him that there are no rules to these things, and that we can do it any way we want.  What I'm getting back is, "Okay. If that's what you want."  That is not the response I'm hoping for at all!

How can I get my wonderful husband to love the romance of it all? Maybe the real question is....how do I get him to fall in love with me all over again?  

The Big Move

Not what you think but I sure wish it was! (What I wouldn't give to move!)

I'm starting a challenge for myself. Moving from a fat filled, chemical ridden diet to a more natural diet. I won't label it raw vegan, or even vegan. Something somewhere between vegetarian and vegan. Let me explain this to you...

I have read so many stories, watched so many videos and cried so many tears over the animals in the food industry. From the way they are kept and treated to the way their bodies are processed and packaged into a meal that you (even I) feed your children.  It really makes me want to vomit.

As sickening as it is to me, it will be very hard for me to pull away and think consciously about what food I am putting into my body. I, like many Americans, have spent my whole life not really thinking about the food I eat. Just blindly eating it.  Oh this looks good! Nom, nom, nom! In the process I have gained upwards of 50 lbs and spent so much of my time staring at myself in the mirror wondering how in the world I will take this weight off or how it got there in the first place.  Wake up Holly!

So, it's already nearly 1 pm here and I've consumed enough sugar and crap to make starting this diet today null and void. But tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week. It will be very interesting to see how this new outlook will effect my health (for the better including fertility), my weight, and our family dynamic.

Of course I will continue updating.

Health

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future (Oscar Wilde)

Every morning I sit at the table, pop open a horrific Mountain Dew, light my cancer causing cigarette and proceed to scroll through my facebook feed.  I don't really know what I am looking for. Maybe something silly that a friend's children did, a sweet note from my husband, details on the newest upcoming adventure for family members or a happy ending story from a pit bull rescue.  Whatever it is I am blindly looking for, it seems I haven't stumbled upon it during the past few mornings.  But this morning I found it.

This picture stopped me.  The older man calmly walking down the street, the contrast of his black suit and hat against the light gray concrete. Something about this photo (other than just the words) reached out and grabbed me.  I wonder what this man has seen in his life. The wonderful things he accomplished, the things he had to endure. I would love to sit and talk awhile with this man.

Then I look at the words on the picture. What a fabulous thought. "If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?"  Maybe the question should be would I even want to do it all over again? Somethings yes and others I would give anything to erase the memories of.  But alas, let's play along... here is a list of things I would change if I lived my life over again. (Broken down by life stages)

Childhood through high school

• Spend more time outside playing. 
• Not worry so much about what everyone else was thinking about me.
• Spend less time staring at myself in the mirror and more time loving who I was at that very moment. 
• Worked harder in school. 
• Wish I would have grown a thicker skin.
• Spend less time worrying about adult issues and more time just being a kid.
• Wish I would have realized that the whole world does not end when the boy you like doesn't like you back, when your best friend doesn't want to hang out or your grounded. 
• Wish I would've taken better care of my body.... and my 1989 Mustang.
• Waited. 
• Kept in contact with my older brother. 

Post High School 

• Saved more money
• Cherished every single moment with my son while he was little
• Taken more pictures and videos
• Walked away sooner
• Grew a backbone before I was 20. 
• Wish I would have had more confidence in my own abilities
• Not let everyone else's problems or issues be a priority over my own life.

From 20 to 27

• Learned to let go and move forward sooner
• Spend more time playing outside, less time worrying about bills.
• Quit drinking sooner.
• Not let anyone influence my thoughts about myself. 
• Stand tall in my own beliefs, my love and my decisions.
• Save more money.
• Work harder. 
• Sleep less. 
• Spend more time with my extended family.
• Had a chance to say good bye. 
• Held you just a little longer. 
• Stayed in school. 
• Never say, "I can't"
• Let the house be lived in. 
• No driving without a license. 

I am sure there are a million other things I would change if I knew then what I know now. But many of these things are the reason why I am who I am today.  So, I think I'd rather not go back into the past and change anything. One small change could mean I wouldn't have what I have today.... a wonderful husband and an amazing son.  I'll take what I was given and what I lived through, learn from it and be a better person today than I was yesterday. 

Tis the Season!!

Word Vomit

Have you ever felt so angry, so betrayed and hurt that you want to scream?  Like you just want to tell someone off but you know that once you do, you can't take your words back.  So instead you try really, really hard to stuff it all down inside but that just makes you want to vomit?  That's exactly how I feel right now.  




More on this later.... this lady has to go to work.

Whoops!

Sorry, I know I'm totally slacking the past week or two with this blog! (Sorry!)  So...let's talk about being 27.

My birthday was this past Thursday and it was fantastic! Minus the fact that I had to work the night before so I didn't get home until 6am. But, that is what it is...I did say I turned 27, not 5. So, that's that. For the most part it was a pretty normal day around here. But I had some, "I'm not too old" fun!

 I spent three hours coloring my hair. By the time I was finished I felt like I should take a third shower.  Did I forget to mention it was 87* out on Thursday and we do not have central air?  It was so horribly warm in my bathroom.  Well worth it though!

 Went to dinner with my boys, my parents and my sister in law.  It was a lot of fun! Don't mind this picture, my parents like to make fun of us by "comparing tans."  

Kind of a bad picture, but Tim and Colton got me these "Love Birds" earrings.  Love them! 

Stoli wearing her new back pack which Tim bought for me for when I take the dogs for walks.  I read somewhere that this gives them a sense of purpose. Like they're fullfilling a job. In this picture she appears to be a little defeated by it all. Hopefully she'll grow to enjoy it.

My mother and I. 

"Dear Old Dad"

My wonderful husband. 

My favorite person in the entire world. Bad picture of me but it's an awesome picture of Colton! 

So, that is what I did on my birthday.  

Monday I'll have something more fabulous to blog, I promise!