So Tell Me Please....

This week has been the week from hell. If it wasn't one thing it was another and it's been a struggle just to keep my sanity and keep on top of everything that I have to get done. Tim has been working 65 hour work weeks leaving me to take care of most everything. I really don't mind, I might complain a little bit here and there but for the most part I enjoy taking care of my family and our home.  There is no greater accomplishment for me than for Colton and Tim to be happy....even if that's just because I made dinner or washed all of their laundry.  My family is my greatest gift.

I know that some people will say whatever they can to get under your skin.  But isn't there a line that should be drawn?   I know that Colton's dad, for whatever reason, hates me with a passion. I have no idea whether it's because I married someone other than him, I finally filed for child support when Colton was 7 years old... or what his problem is.  But, for whatever the reason, the only time he picks up his phone and calls us is when he wants to yell and scream.  Never does he call Colton to see how his day was, or what time to pick him up...nothing.  Only when he's upset about something and he wants to yell at me.  I typically will take it...let him yell and freak out and then go about with my night. I don't let him bother me...don't let him ruin my day because I don't care about him. He's not a thought in my mind from day to day.

But tonight... tonight he went above and beyond.  Before I start this let me just add that Colton is home with me, safe in his bed... loved and hugged on all night :)

I want to lay a rumor to rest. I want to put it down here, explain myself (even though I don't owe anyone anything) and from this moment on let it lay there.  I vow that I will not let these comments affect me in the same way ever again.

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant with Skyler.  I was in a bad relationship but, after having split with Colton's dad, I really wanted to make it work with Skyler's dad. (I tried way too hard and for way too long). Because I have PCOS my periods are extremely irregular. So, when I went to my first appointment there was no telling based on dates how far along I was. The doctor did an ultrasound and they determined that I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  Not only did they found out how far along I was but they also discovered that Skyler had a omphalocele.  Before 11 weeks gestation a baby's stomach is wide open in order for the organs to grow and form. At 11 weeks the stomach closes and that's that. Well, Skyler's never closed.  I went through a series of blood tests, trips to the university hospital and an amniocentesis.

Three days before Thanksgiving in 2006 the test results all came back that Skyler did not have a chromosome disorder and I was told that everything should be find but that she would just need to be born at the university hospital so that she could go directly into surgery to close her abdomen.  To say I was thankful that Thanksgiving would be a horrible understatement.  We were all ecstatic.

The excitement was short lived because within a week I quit feeling any movement. Up until then Skyler had been extremely active. In my heart I knew that she has passed. I knew that there would be no delivery, no surgery...no Skyler. Instead of calling the doctor immediately, I did the exact opposite. I settled into denial and I even went as far as to cancel an appointment. Maybe I thought that if I acted like it was not happening that it would change and everything would be fine.  I didn't tell anyone.

I had been feeling extremely sick so three weeks later I made an appointment.  The night before my appointment I went to my usual Wednesday night karaoke just like I had every week for three years.  I knew that once the next morning hit, my whole world would never be the same. Everything was about to change, they were going to take my daughter from me...I thought seriously about taking my own life.  Right before I left I asked for a shot of Tequilla Rose, took it and then headed home.

I don't remember sleeping at all that night..I don't remember driving to the doctor, waiting for the ultrasound tech, the tech leaving the room to get my doctor.... but I do remember saying, "I have to get to work." "Can I go outside and smoke a cigarette?" and  "Please call my mom....."  and the doctor said, "Holly, she passed weeks ago...is that why you canceled on me?"  and I bet I can still tell you exactly how the pattern in the walls in that room goes.... I just stared into an abyss.

So, that is where this rumor comes from.  Maybe for the rest of my life there's going to be two people that believe that that shot of tequilla killed her.  Maybe they don't even really think that but they just want to hurt me.  Skyler's dad went as far as to call the university hospital to see if it was a possibility. They said no. Of course they said no, she had already been dead for 3 weeks before I took that drink.

I can't go back in time.  If I could, I would cherish every moment of being pregnant with her. I would have prepared myself better...I would not have gotten my hopes up so high....I would have surrounded myself with people that I felt safe with...safe enough to break down in front of...then maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell someone.

I think that some people are just pure evil. I think that no matter what happens in their lives they need to bring someone else down.  Say what you want about me... fat? Yep, good one! Moron? Sure, why not! Bitch? You bet! But discussing someone's children!? To go as far as to claim that they murdered their child?  To say it just to get under someone's skin....That's evil.

So, I am laying this down. I am never again going to give this two thoughts when it is said. I'm not going to cry my eyes out over it any more. (I wish I was better able to hold my composure...crying in front of Colton is my least favorite thing in the world.) I have an amazing husband who stands beside me and holds me up.  Plus, God and I know the truth.... with that, that's all I need.

Good night.

Aaron Lewis : Staind

Dear 16 year old me: A letter in chronological order

Dear 16 year old Holly...

    Let me start by telling you that I am writing this while listening to Five For Fighting. You'll find this band later on when you're older... their songs will save your life.

    There's so many things I want to tell you. So many warning that should be given to you.  But first let me tell you some things you don't quite understand....

     You ARE beautiful. Quit spending so much time worrying about your hair, your clothes, your makeup.  You are absolutely beautiful and one day you're going to wish you had the body you have now. Stop trying to be a mirror of everyone else.  If those clothes aren't comfortable, why are you wearing them? Stop it! You don't need to "fit in" when you were born to stand out.

     You can cry...it's okay to feel emotions.  So put your head in you hands and let it out, throw yourself on your bed....for God sakes go out in the middle of no where and scream at the top of your lungs....whatever it takes to make you feel better.  But please, for our own sanity, put those razor blades away.  I know you feel alone. That you feel like your life is not worth living.  It's okay to be hurt, to be sad...but you've got to pick yourself up and keep moving. You're worth so much more than what you are doing to yourself and I love you.

     Now, I should give you the biggest piece of advice possible.  You should NOT take your pants off! Keep your darn pants on! Just because you have lost your virginity does NOT mean that you have to continue having sex.  One day you are going to be looking into your husband's eyes and find yourself wishing you had it back to give to him and him alone.

     While we are on the subject....sexuality. You're going to love a handful of people in your life. Don't let their gender be your deciding factor.  You are who you are, embrace it....love it.  It's okay and it will get better.

     Let's talk about your friends...because even though you think they're important now, they're going to become your life line as you get older.  Sara... oh, Sara.  Sara is going to get you into trouble. Let's be honest...but no matter how much trouble you and her seem to find, you always have each other.  Keep her close, and even when you're both falling apart, and you seem to lose your ways remember to pick up the phone! You can't stay mad at her forever and you'll need each other.

    Laurie.  Dearest Laurie. She is the calm in the storm, the words of wisdom.  If she says it's a bad idea, most likely it is! Listen to her, damn it!  And when the days come that you two drift your separate ways don't fret, it will be okay.  You will find each other again.  Friends like that don't ever go away.

     Shane.... you can't fix him. Please quit trying or you're going to continue to be hurt by it well into your 20's.  Let him go...leave him be.

     Quit skipping school! You're missing out on so much.  You're better than that and in school suspension really sucks!  I know you cussed out your Algebra 1 teacher.  It still makes me laugh even now.  I have to tell you, she deserved it! But don't worry too much about failing the class, it'll be the highest marks on your ACT.  Take that!

     Family.  Spend a lot of time with your family. I know right now they're so "uncool."  But you'll be so glad you did in the future.  All those summers you spent with your grandparents and your cousins. They're memories you will never forget, ones that you will hold tight to.  Family has to be the most important thing in your life.  One day, one of your favorite people will get sick and it will shock the entire family...and when they pass away, you're going to be so glad for the times that you had.  So please, please, please, hold tight to family and tell them that you love them as often as you can.

     You're going to get the greatest blue Mustang you've ever seen. It's going to be a little rusty, smell a little musty...but you'll love it.  Turn the radio up loud, roll the windows down and enjoy the ride! Take good care of it and don't let anyone besides dad work on it! You're going to get a speeding ticket.  You'll shit yourself when you see how much it costs you.  Please don't go 103 mph down highway 20...I don't care how late you are for curfew.  Being a little later getting home will be much better than paying a $150.00 ticket and losing your license!

     Blue Mustangs....There's going to be a guy in a blue mustang just like yours.  When he comes through the drive through and asks for your number...listen to the warnings going off in your head.  He's going to lead you into the biggest mess you'll ever find yourself in.  No matter how hot you think he is.... RUN. Don't let him drag you into his issues.  He'll lay his hands on you, do so many drugs around you... and you'll look past every bit of it.  He will try to get you to smoke meth.  Hold tight to your beliefs and your will power. You're better than that, you don't have anything to prove to anyone. He's going to tear apart your soul and leave it there on the floor.  This is the guy that's going to threaten every part of who you know in your heart that you are.  The day will come that your parents help you dig yourself back out of that hell.  For fucks sakes, thank them! Hug them and tell them you love them.  They deserve it.

     Should I give everything away and tell you?  Sure, why not, you're about to go through hell and back, might as well give you a heads up! 

     Remember how I said don't take your pants off?  Welcome to motherhood at 17! Yes, you! You're going to flip out, freak out, scream, cry, and go completely out of your mind! It'll be okay. In fact, being a mom is the greatest thing that has ever happened to you.  That's not to say it's going to be easy.  It's the hardest job you'll ever have but it's also the most rewarding.  Colton will light up your life in ways that you never knew was possible.  You won't know what true love is until the moment they lay him in your arms at the hospital. Take a lot of pictures, snuggle for hours, read that bed time story for the 125,800th time...you won't get those moments back.  But don't let him sleep in your bed with you or you'll spend months trying to get him to sleep in his own bed. Oh, and use the store brand diapers, they work just as well!

    You won't be ready to go to college until you're 25 so don't even start before then. Trust me, you don't want to pay student loans for degrees that you never completed.  Save as much money as you can. And when a company sends you a letter saying that they will send your bill to collections if you don't pay them... PAY THEM!  You're going to want to buy a house one day...take your finances seriously from the get go!

    Go to Karaoke every Wednesday night.  That is your time to get away. Soak it in and enjoy it. Don't feel guilty about it, just have a good time.  Some of your favorite memories will happen while you're up there singing your little lungs out.  Cherish that time.

    When you finally split with John around the time Colton is two... do it for all the right reasons. Don't hang on so long that you've completely lost yourself in the process.  You two are never going to work. Oil and water don't mix.  But don't fight with him at the end, smile and wish him well on his way.  Stand your ground, protect yourself and Colton but wish him well.  After all, you knew it was coming the whole time, so be the bigger person and let it go.

     Tattoos. You're going to have a lot of tattoos.  Please do us this one favor, DO NOT tattoo anyone's name on you! It's a bitch to cover up later one.  Other than that, ink away!

   In July of 2005 you're going to get on AOL and talk to a boy named Tim.  You'll fall head over heels in the first two conversations...but don't tell him that.  Keep him close. Call him all the time, be best friends, visit each other and care for each other.  He's going to be very important later.

     When you are 21 everything is going to spin.  You're going to start really drinking.  First it will start as a night out once a month or so and then it's going to spiral out of control.  Listen to your heart.  Enjoy your nights with your friends, have a good time and never ever ever drive home.  Be safe.  When you find yourself dragging your face out of the toilet it will hit you....you're an alcoholic.  But it won't matter much to you for a few years. You'll continue doing what you're doing.

     You're a helper. You think you can fix everyone and you are attracted to people who seem to need to be "saved." You're going to fall so head over heels with someone that you'll throw all caution aside for them.... hold on to your heart dear because they won't do the same for you.  Try to understand that some people have mental illnesses and you can't heal that.  The first time that he attempts suicide, take it seriously! Take him to the hospital, make him take his medication...but don't lose yourself in the process.  The second time that he tells you that he is going to kill himself...you'll call the police and they'll do well fare check. That well fare check will turn into the scariest moment that you'll ever have in your life. They'll send him to the hospital and the doctors will release him with in an hour... to your house, thank God Colton will still be at day care.

     Hang on tight, love. You're going to need to remember everything mom told you when you were a kid about the power of fear. When he tells you that he wants your cell phone, don't give it to him. Don't hand over the one thing that could mean the difference between life and death. He's going to show you a knife. He's going to swing it at you, lock you in the bedroom and attempt to get you to kill him. It sounds crazy, I know...and it is.  Try to be strong.  Yelling for help isn't going to help because no one will be home in your apartment building...instead your screaming is just going to make him crazier. Remember what mom told you...say whatever it is he wants you to say, whatever will get you to the next 60 seconds.  Breathe, be strong...it'll be over in 30 minutes even though it feels like hours.  Everything will be okay.  
Remember that friend, Tim?  When he calls you that night and asks you if you want him to come stay with you to make sure you're okay...let him. You need a friend.

     Four days later you're going to learn that you're pregnant. Talk about mixed emotions.  It's because of being pregnant that you will refuse to press charges on that guy, that you will let him move back into your home...that you will begin the cycle all over again.

    Being pregnant again.  Much of this you shouldn't know before it happens. It's going to make you so happy and then suddenly, the saddest, darkest you've ever felt.  Reach out to your family. Don't keep everything locked up inside or you will burst. You will burst and it won't be pretty.

    In 2007 you'll move to Cedar Rapids. You need a change of scenery, to start over and to grow.  This is where Tim becomes most important. When you first move you will be so damaged. You're going to drink more than you've ever drank in your life. You will spin into a downward spiral of depression and you will be a mess....but somehow he will love you.  He will hold you up when you hate yourself too much to give a damn. Thank him and when he tells you that he wants to be with you, let him. For God sakes quit giving this guy the run around!

   Check your oil! If you don't you will find yourself on the side of interstate 380 with a blown engine and freezing toddler in the backseat.  While we're at it... go get a automotive book from the library. You need to learn about cars!

    The night will come when Tim tells you all about his past.  Listen intently, hold his hand. Let him tell you in his own time, in his own words and then be for him what he's been for you.  You both need a rock in your lives.  Let it be and love each other through everything.  People always say, you'll know who the right person is for you...you'll feel it deep in your soul.  They're right.  There could be nobody better for you than him.  Your past history, his past history... none of it will matter.  Love him, cuddle him, breathe him in every chance you get.  Be his biggest cheerleader and he'll be that for you.  You're going to go through some pretty rough times together.  Stick with it.  Be tough for each other and never ever go to bed angry.

    Alright 16 year old Holly, have I completely and utterly scared you out of living the next 11 years? Ah, then I'm successful!  I'm kidding of course.  Yes, there's going to be so many things that happen to you. Some of them will be completely out of your control and others you will cause yourself.  But in the end you will be okay. Your broken heart will heal, your F in Algebra won't matter, that boy that dumped you...you won't even remember his name.

     You are strong. In deed you will shine more than you could ever imagine. So stick with it, quit putting yourself down and start building yourself up. Build a back bone, obviously you're going to need it.  But more than any lessons, or warnings I could give you from the future I want you to love yourself.  Love yourself first and foremost. Trust your heart and believe that you are good enough. Because, my dear, you're so much better than just "enough."


With all the love and happiness that the future holds for us,
      Our 27 year old self.

 

   
   

   
 
   

Back to School!!

Well, it's that time of year again. The summer is winding down to a close and Colton is ready to go back to school. (Probably not as ready as I am for him to go back. haha)  So, in honor of the end of summer and the fact that I barely posted anything on here for the past three months I decided to do a photo montage of our summer...as only the Frein-Harman clan can do it! :)


Ready???

Baseball!! 

 Colton learned that he's a really good pitcher.
In one game he pitched two no hit innings.

Fourth of July with Tim's family :)

Lots of grilling out this summer at my parents house and Tim got a new smoker so he smoked a lot of different meats. 

New tattoo in memory of my Uncle

A picture from Sara's birthday. Most fun I've had in a very long time.

Colton's best friend, Austin.....who was a frequent guest at the house this summer.

 The first weekend of August is always our favorite because it's when our town celebrates the Irish culture with Irish Fest.  Three days of fun, good food and great music.















 Colton discovered two things this summer that he loves.  Paint ball and cooking.  There's a lot more fof this to come I am sure of.

Over this past weekend we finally pulled the carpet up and put down vinyl flooring.  It took foever, and my legs are still killing me but it was so worth it!

 Meet Daisy! She's our foster dog.  Absolutely love her personality and she's a great dog, but we do hope that she gets adopted very soon.

 So, that is how we spent our summer, in short form.  Hope everyone else had a great summer as well!

Second Wind

I've been having a really rough week. I spent so much time crying that I think I'm completely out of tears.  Today I woke up and I told myself that everything was going to be okay. Somehow, some way, I'm going to start feeling better.

Work was mediocre at best. Same thing, different day....long 40 minute walk home. You know the drill.   Then I decided to take the dogs out for a walk.

The walk was a nice breath of fresh air.  It was nice to get out and do something besides studying or cleaning the house. And nice to see Colton engaging with the pups. He did such a good job walking Stoli. I am very proud of him.

So now, I feel like I've hit a second wind.  At least for today, I am alive and that's good enough for me.

Throwing Glasses

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


Nope, still don't feel better!

Does heaven have a kindergarten?

No matter what, I got you back!

I was sitting here staring at this blank screen for a good twenty minutes trying to figure out what to write about today.  Lately I've written about health, DIY projects, being overwhelmed... I was thinking about writing about Tim today...but where to even begin?  Then I got a text message from a friend followed by a phone call from another one. Both completely out of step, distraught and completely opposite of how I have always seen them.  So began my post for today.....

Relationships.

We are not perfect. In fact our relationship has crashed and stumbled along many road bumps. We came close to closing our book before we had even begun to open it.  But, in five years we have grown and changed so much in our love and in our connection that I cannot deny that what is less than perfect for the world around us, is absolutely, undoubtedly perfect for us.

I remember once when I was 13 or 14 I told my mother that I hated her.  I guess I was looking for some sort of shocked response for her, instead I got, "Well, I love you but I don't like you right now either!" I guess out of the context it almost sounds means, but what it really was was a bold, real lesson about relationships and love.

There are times I really would like to strangle my husband and I would be willing to bet he has way more moments like this for me.  There were plenty of times when I thought, 'This man must either be head over heels in love with me or a complete moron!'  Whatever the reasoning behind, I'm so glad he stayed or we me never have known what we know now.

We can have a yelling match with the best of em but at the end of the day, it's always, "Kiss me good night, you're my world."  And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  Whether through both of our sobrieties, parenting an independent outspoken nine year old, navigating co parenting, struggling through hectic schedules or just plain learning to be exactly what the other person needs, we've come out swinging for each other.

There is no one in the world that has my back the way he does and I would do the same for him.  It might be incredibly crazy but isn't that was a relationship is supposed to be like?  I wish everyone could have that type of love.  So when my friends contacted me today I sat for a moment and I thought about my marriage and how grateful I am to have such a patient, forgiving and down right stubborn husband.

With all the things we've fought through.... we should definitely be the last ones standing.

Holly and Tim photo montage here!

Blobbity Blob!

I know, it's been forever...I apologize! (Apparently, we are now measuring forever in 30 day increments.) I've pretty much put everything on the back burner in the past few months to focus on school and being a mom and wife.  Sadly, I've also put off my own health and trying to conceive.  Instead I just wallow in my own self pitty and make a lot of excuses.


But NOT anymore!!

Last night I went out with my best friend for her birthday.  This morning I got up and looked at all the pictures we had taken and I thought... Who tell hell is that? When did I let myself get here???

This by far the heaviest I have ever been. Even taking both of my pregnancies into account. Scary! Well, enough is enough! 

I looked all over online for a good diet plan. Something to give me some structure, that would give me a template to use rather than a list of 'You definitely cannot eat this!'  So here is what I found....

PCOS Fertility Diet

For the next six months we are still without health insurance. And no health insurance means no fertility visits.  So, I know of two things that I can do in the mean time.... take care of my body, and practice! :)

Ready to quit smoking as well. But first things first: This has to go!!