This week has been the week from hell. If it wasn't one thing it was another and it's been a struggle just to keep my sanity and keep on top of everything that I have to get done. Tim has been working 65 hour work weeks leaving me to take care of most everything. I really don't mind, I might complain a little bit here and there but for the most part I enjoy taking care of my family and our home. There is no greater accomplishment for me than for Colton and Tim to be happy....even if that's just because I made dinner or washed all of their laundry. My family is my greatest gift.
I know that some people will say whatever they can to get under your skin. But isn't there a line that should be drawn? I know that Colton's dad, for whatever reason, hates me with a passion. I have no idea whether it's because I married someone other than him, I finally filed for child support when Colton was 7 years old... or what his problem is. But, for whatever the reason, the only time he picks up his phone and calls us is when he wants to yell and scream. Never does he call Colton to see how his day was, or what time to pick him up...nothing. Only when he's upset about something and he wants to yell at me. I typically will take it...let him yell and freak out and then go about with my night. I don't let him bother me...don't let him ruin my day because I don't care about him. He's not a thought in my mind from day to day.
But tonight... tonight he went above and beyond. Before I start this let me just add that Colton is home with me, safe in his bed... loved and hugged on all night :)
I want to lay a rumor to rest. I want to put it down here, explain myself (even though I don't owe anyone anything) and from this moment on let it lay there. I vow that I will not let these comments affect me in the same way ever again.
I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant with Skyler. I was in a bad relationship but, after having split with Colton's dad, I really wanted to make it work with Skyler's dad. (I tried way too hard and for way too long). Because I have PCOS my periods are extremely irregular. So, when I went to my first appointment there was no telling based on dates how far along I was. The doctor did an ultrasound and they determined that I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Not only did they found out how far along I was but they also discovered that Skyler had a omphalocele. Before 11 weeks gestation a baby's stomach is wide open in order for the organs to grow and form. At 11 weeks the stomach closes and that's that. Well, Skyler's never closed. I went through a series of blood tests, trips to the university hospital and an amniocentesis.
Three days before Thanksgiving in 2006 the test results all came back that Skyler did not have a chromosome disorder and I was told that everything should be find but that she would just need to be born at the university hospital so that she could go directly into surgery to close her abdomen. To say I was thankful that Thanksgiving would be a horrible understatement. We were all ecstatic.
The excitement was short lived because within a week I quit feeling any movement. Up until then Skyler had been extremely active. In my heart I knew that she has passed. I knew that there would be no delivery, no surgery...no Skyler. Instead of calling the doctor immediately, I did the exact opposite. I settled into denial and I even went as far as to cancel an appointment. Maybe I thought that if I acted like it was not happening that it would change and everything would be fine. I didn't tell anyone.
I had been feeling extremely sick so three weeks later I made an appointment. The night before my appointment I went to my usual Wednesday night karaoke just like I had every week for three years. I knew that once the next morning hit, my whole world would never be the same. Everything was about to change, they were going to take my daughter from me...I thought seriously about taking my own life. Right before I left I asked for a shot of Tequilla Rose, took it and then headed home.
I don't remember sleeping at all that night..I don't remember driving to the doctor, waiting for the ultrasound tech, the tech leaving the room to get my doctor.... but I do remember saying, "I have to get to work." "Can I go outside and smoke a cigarette?" and "Please call my mom....." and the doctor said, "Holly, she passed weeks ago...is that why you canceled on me?" and I bet I can still tell you exactly how the pattern in the walls in that room goes.... I just stared into an abyss.
So, that is where this rumor comes from. Maybe for the rest of my life there's going to be two people that believe that that shot of tequilla killed her. Maybe they don't even really think that but they just want to hurt me. Skyler's dad went as far as to call the university hospital to see if it was a possibility. They said no. Of course they said no, she had already been dead for 3 weeks before I took that drink.
I can't go back in time. If I could, I would cherish every moment of being pregnant with her. I would have prepared myself better...I would not have gotten my hopes up so high....I would have surrounded myself with people that I felt safe with...safe enough to break down in front of...then maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell someone.
I think that some people are just pure evil. I think that no matter what happens in their lives they need to bring someone else down. Say what you want about me... fat? Yep, good one! Moron? Sure, why not! Bitch? You bet! But discussing someone's children!? To go as far as to claim that they murdered their child? To say it just to get under someone's skin....That's evil.
So, I am laying this down. I am never again going to give this two thoughts when it is said. I'm not going to cry my eyes out over it any more. (I wish I was better able to hold my composure...crying in front of Colton is my least favorite thing in the world.) I have an amazing husband who stands beside me and holds me up. Plus, God and I know the truth.... with that, that's all I need.
Good night.
Aaron Lewis : Staind
